“You make motherhood look effortless”

“You seem so put together”

“You’ve bounced back so well!”

“Mom goals!”

I’ve received variations of these compliments over the past year. Good natured and kind hearted compliments…..which I lap up enthusiastically of course! But at the same time, makes me wonder what image of motherhood I’m projecting to the world. God knows, motherhood hasn’t been effortless or simple for me. At all!

As cliche as it sounds, motherhood is hard. Very hard. I know everyone says that and before I had a little one, I thought it was too! Parents always seemed harassed, stretched thin with barely any free time. I knew this going into parenthood. Or I thought I did until my little one came along.

Everything changes

Yes, my world changed in a glorious way. Some I was prepared for, some I obviously underestimated and some I didn’t see coming at all….one of which was mom guilt. Good old mom guilt.

Yes, I expected some mom guilt. I watched all the movies and heard all the stories of moms going to work and feeling like they were ripping out their hearts every time they stepped out the door. Honestly, I felt the exact same way the first few months after maternity leave. With time, it’s gotten easier as my little one has gotten bigger and more independent. However, there’s another type of mom guilt that I’ve been struggling with that no one told me about or I ever expected…

The Struggle

As I type this, I’m sitting in my bedroom, laptop on my lap, TV cranked up….and the baby monitor next to me on mute. Why? Because my little one is going through the dreaded 12-month sleep regression (yes, it’s a thing!) and she’s just woken up, standing in her crib and screaming blue murder. With my shoulders hunched up and typing furiously, we’ve decided to wait it out and give her some time to get herself back to sleep.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been rushing in to cuddle/soothe her back to sleep and each night it’s gotten worse. The hubster and I have been so lucky because the little lady has been a perfect little sleeper (through the night, no feeds!!) since she was 4 months old. Apart from the odd regression when we traveled or when she got sick, she’s been right as rain. So you can imagine our shock when this regression kicked in and got worse and worse.

The Ugly Truth

But what does mom guilt have to do it with it? Well, mom guilt showed up right after impatience, frustration, helplessness, and sadness. Right after I had cuddled her for 3 hours, nursed her a few times, tried and failed to transition her to the crib and watched as she jumped right back up and wailed in my face. And while I give in and cuddle her some more, I stew over the precious nighttime me-time I’m losing. I get frustrated because she only seems to want me. I feel sorry for myself because I’ll never get anything done….and when she eventually falls asleep, I feel guilty…so guilty…because she can’t help it and my reaction is shockingly selfish. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

And this doesn’t only occur during a tiring sleep regression episode, this happens during a mad rush to pack her off to bed at the end of the day and the quick dash to put her down for her nap on weekends. In my desperation to get some me time, I’m missing out and not savoring our precious time together.

Living in the Present

If you follow me on IG (if you’re not, why not?!), you might have seen my post about living in the now/present. This came about because I realized I was rushing through motherhood. Not all the time, but during those times I choose to think of as ‘my time’. I would spend time with my little one bogged down with worries for the future and stresses from the past, instead of immersing myself in the light of this amazing little human.

When I finally realized what I was doing, I decided to do better. I would surrender myself to the moment and eliminate other thoughts, obligations or responsibilities. Everything can wait. When I’m with her, I focus on her. I play peekapoo a million times if she wants, I respond to every babble like every syllable makes perfect sense, I take every toy she passes my way, I cuddle her as if my life depends on it, I give her all of me. Time is precious and she deserves all my time.

Happier Me

It hasn’t been easy and I definitely don’t do it all the time but I can tell you now, I’m happier. I’m more content. Don’t get me wrong, I still look forward to my free time during nap and bedtimes but I’m making an effort to be present during ‘our time’ together and it’s making a massive difference in my life. I’ve accepted the fact I’m bound to have slip-ups, but I’m determined to push back at feelings that lead to mom guilt.

Any other mamas going through the same thing? Do you have other ways of dealing with mom guilt? Please share away. Every little counts! 🙂

P.S. You’ll be glad to know…she fell asleep. This mama is happily shutting her laptop with a sigh of relief! 🙂

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